Hard

So we are about two days away from our halfway point in this deployment, finally! Tonight is one of those nights where I miss Adam from deep down inside, I just feel sadness deep down. I've been sick this week, which is no fun when you're a substitute and I want is one of his hugs. I think I just get sad sometimes. I wish that some of my good friends were down here. I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to down here. The people I see the most of are my dog park friends, sad huh? I know that everything will be alright as soon as Adam is back home for good, it's just getting there and keeping my sanity that is the difficult part.
I have been keeping busy with substituting though. It seem like ever since the year round schools have gone back from winter break, I have been constantly booked up. Yesterday I had kindergarten, which I normally don't like to sub for since it can be challenging. I had a little girl pee on the carpet while we were sitting doing math. I didn't even notice until another child pointed it out to me and then I figured out who was sitting there. The little girl didn't even tell me, I asked her why and she just stared at me blankly. The thing I do really like about kinder, is the singing songs and playing around, it is not as serious as all the other grades and the kids are so excited about school! Well that is all for now, I think it is time to watch Top Gun and wish my girls were here to watch it with me...

Emotions

Being a military girlfriend is all about keeping your emotions in check. Since Adam has been gone I am constantly making sure that I appear as a strong female and act like I can handle anything that comes my way. Tonight I went to an engagement party of some friends of ours who started dated a couple months after we did. I am so happy for them and had a great time at their party. On the way home however (I shouldn't of driven I realize that now but what else was I to do) Alcohol and everything made me realize how much I miss Adam and how deeply it saddens me. I cried all the way home and for awhile once I got there. It is easy to put up a wall for everyone to make them believe that everything is just fine, but once that way breaks it is like a flood of emotions going on. I miss him so much. I miss sharing my life with him, having conversations, even just holding his hand. I would give anything to have him here with me right now so we could continue our life together. For the moment it feels like everything is on hold and I am just standing here waiting. I don't know what else to do.
There is a chance that Adam might deploy again this year, the thought makes my heart want to die. He would be home for about a month and then would have to leave again. I hate the military. If that ends up happening Adam and I will end up being apart for a year and half give or take a couple months. The thought makes me want to die with sadness. How much is a person supposed to be albe to handle? I like to think that I am a strong person but even I have a breaking point. Well those are my drunken rants tonight. Thank you and I must go cry myself to sleep.

Updates

So it has been a little while since I have blogged. I guess I am just a procrastinator even with this! The holidays were hard to get through without Adam and I am so glad that they are over! Right now we are looking at different orders that Adam can get a hold of and will hopefully know where we are going (if we are going anywhere) by the 6th of February which is two days before Adam's birthday. I've had a nice break from substituting but am ready to go back just because I really need a paycheck to come. Things haven't been that busy since the year round schools have not gone back but hopefully it will pick up this week. Buster and I started obedience school two weeks ago and it seems to be going pretty well. He's also been doing well at the dog park with his shock collar on. We did have an incident at the beach this last Saturday but now that i know what sparks his aggressiveness I will be able to watch for it. I am getting a roommate later on this week to help out with finances. Things should work out ok, and it is only temporary. I just hope the dogs don't become too annoying since they seem to want to bark at everything for some reason now.