Emotions

Being a military girlfriend is all about keeping your emotions in check. Since Adam has been gone I am constantly making sure that I appear as a strong female and act like I can handle anything that comes my way. Tonight I went to an engagement party of some friends of ours who started dated a couple months after we did. I am so happy for them and had a great time at their party. On the way home however (I shouldn't of driven I realize that now but what else was I to do) Alcohol and everything made me realize how much I miss Adam and how deeply it saddens me. I cried all the way home and for awhile once I got there. It is easy to put up a wall for everyone to make them believe that everything is just fine, but once that way breaks it is like a flood of emotions going on. I miss him so much. I miss sharing my life with him, having conversations, even just holding his hand. I would give anything to have him here with me right now so we could continue our life together. For the moment it feels like everything is on hold and I am just standing here waiting. I don't know what else to do.
There is a chance that Adam might deploy again this year, the thought makes my heart want to die. He would be home for about a month and then would have to leave again. I hate the military. If that ends up happening Adam and I will end up being apart for a year and half give or take a couple months. The thought makes me want to die with sadness. How much is a person supposed to be albe to handle? I like to think that I am a strong person but even I have a breaking point. Well those are my drunken rants tonight. Thank you and I must go cry myself to sleep.

Updates

So it has been a little while since I have blogged. I guess I am just a procrastinator even with this! The holidays were hard to get through without Adam and I am so glad that they are over! Right now we are looking at different orders that Adam can get a hold of and will hopefully know where we are going (if we are going anywhere) by the 6th of February which is two days before Adam's birthday. I've had a nice break from substituting but am ready to go back just because I really need a paycheck to come. Things haven't been that busy since the year round schools have not gone back but hopefully it will pick up this week. Buster and I started obedience school two weeks ago and it seems to be going pretty well. He's also been doing well at the dog park with his shock collar on. We did have an incident at the beach this last Saturday but now that i know what sparks his aggressiveness I will be able to watch for it. I am getting a roommate later on this week to help out with finances. Things should work out ok, and it is only temporary. I just hope the dogs don't become too annoying since they seem to want to bark at everything for some reason now.

Challenges

So life has certainly been a challenge while Adam is away. I miss him everyday still and wish so much that he could be here with me. It seems since he has been gone that there has been one challenge after another around here. Of course dog behavior has been a big one. I have had to muzzle Buster while at the dog park now. I recently got him a shock collar so will try to be training him with that. The dogs also decided to learn how to jump over the fence of the backyard so now I am planning on installing an electric fence.
Besides dealing with dogs I have been substituting a lot. I had 5th grade all week long and will do science lab at the same school next week. I'm glad for the steady work and hope it continues after the new year. I have also joined a gym and hoping to drop some weight and get better in shape before Adam comes home so we can go backpacking and hiking on our weekends.
Adam is currently up for orders and it's looking like if he doesn't get to be a survival training instructor then we will be moving to Ventura county in the middle of next year. Hopefully I will be able to find a teaching position there if we do end up moving.
Anyways, with the holidays surrounding me I can but wish for Adam's presence, I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness at least once a day where I wish he could be here more than anything. I will just be glad when he is home safe and sound next year and we can spend at least the next 3 years together without a deployment!

Single Dog Owner

It is so hard being a single parent to our two dogs right now. They are just so much work it is stressful sometimes. Adam is the disciplinarian of the household and it is hard for me to step into his shoes. Buster has become more and more out of control. I used to take them to the dog park to play everyday but now he is getting aggressive towards small dogs and puppies so we will only be going every other day. I decided to take them each on a walk the days that we don't go since they both need work walking on a lease, especially Buster. Sometimes I just wish the dogs would behave, I'm getting sick of coming home to a disaster in the porch. Last week they got into a math set that I had won at the math conference earlier this year. That upset me a lot since they destroyed a lot of it and ate plastic money! Buster and I will be going to obedience school after the new year so hopefully that will help. I can't wait until Adam comes home. I know we're not even half way yet but I miss him more and more everyday!

Gone

I had to leave Adam in Virginia to come back to San Diego. The original idea was that we would both be leaving the same day, me for SD and him for Iraq but of course it is the military and he got postponed a day. Saying goodbye to him at the airport was one of the hardest things, I didn't want to let go of his hug. Walking through the airport and going through security I couldn't help the tears falling from my eyes. I did pretty well the rest of the time but lost it again as we were getting ready to land in SD and knowing that Adam wasn't there waiting for me and wouldn't be there anytime soon. We got to talk when I got home and I got to tell him about all the destruction the dogs did while we were away. I also got to talk to him most of the next day, and then it was time for him to board his plane so we said goodbye.

I was doing alright the day after Adam left because I was substituting Kindergarten and everyone knows how much energy that can take! The part that was the hardest was going home and not even being able to call him to tell him about my day. I didn't hear from him the next day either, but I was doing well. No anxiety attacks so far this time that he has left, guess that means I am getting used to living by myself. This morning however I woke up stressed out and frustrated that I hadn't heard from him. I was starting to worry more when the phone rang and of course it was him! He had traveled to Kuwait and then Iraq right away instead of having a few days in Kuwait like originally planned. It was so nice to get to talk to him but it made me miss him more. I wish he were here with me and this time he isn't just across the country. I have to think ten hours ahead instead of just three!

Saying Goodbye

I think that the week before a deployment are the worst days. Constantly at the back of my mind I am thinking that we only have x amount of days left together, or this will be the last time we do this until he gets back. I try not to think about these things as I am trying to hold myself together. I am sad that Adam is leaving and wish he could stay but I know he has to go. I've been trying to restrain myself from asking him not to go since I know he has to and I know it hurts him when I ask that. So far we have had a wonderful week together. We have had fun in Virginia Beach and went up to Delaware for my birthday last weekend. It was great seeing Adam's family again and playing with his nephew and niece. It was also fun seeing more of the east coast since I've never driven through Virginia and Maryland before, I'll post pictures soon. I'm dreading saying goodbye to Adam especially since he'll be dropping me off at the airport and I'll have to wait around for my flight knowing that he is only so many minutes away. I just want to get to the comfort of our house and our dogs so I can have a good cry and feel better.

Off to Virginia

It is almost midnight and early tomorrow morning Adam and I will be off to Virginia. It is time for Adam to report back to the command on the east coast and I am going with him. I'm going to stay with him until he deploys which I can't tell you when that is. I'm happy to go get to spend this time with him even though it puts me on an emotional roller coaster. I'll try to enjoy the time with him but it's hard not to think that soon we will be apart. I keep telling him that I wish he could stay and didn't have to go which I know is not making things easy on him. Hopefully I will be able to keep it together until he is gone. Last time he left I broke down the night before and couldn't stop crying. It is hard playing the strong military girlfriend role.
So this weekend is also my birthday and we will be going up to Delaware to spend the weekend with Adam's family. I'm so excited to see his new baby niece and to play with his little nephew. Adam already gave me my present, he was so excited he couldn't wait. He got me a promise ring which symbolizes that someday we will get engaged. I'm hoping for next year but we will see!
I'm so excited to go and get a break from subbing but at the same time I am feeling like a worried mother when I think about leaving the dogs. I have someone feeding them, taking them to the dog park, left all the emergency numbers and all that lol! They are my children and I am going to be a worried mommy, I can't help it. At least I won't have to leave them until next May or June once I get home. Anyways that is all for now!